I remember listening to this song two years ago in Boston while running around the Chestnut Hill Reservoir. It was probably exactly this time two years ago, because the snow was finally starting to melt and we were in that pre-spring spring – that time between seasons where you’re not really sure if you should wear shorts or snow boots, because the weather is so unpredictable. #FunTimes.
I was really unsure of what I wanted then. I felt super stuck with my job, relationship, family situation, mental health, and overall, my purpose in life. I had recently graduated from BU and felt so disappointed in the way things were going. Like I had achieved all the things I thought I wanted, but then realized it was so far from what I actually wanted. I didn’t even know what I actually wanted; I just knew this wasn’t it. Which made me confused about what was wrong with me. Which made me feel shameful for not being more appreciative of all the things I did have. Which made me feel guilty for not being happy.
This mental cycle went on and on and on every single day, so there’s no surprise I found myself running around that reservoir as much as I did. Running has always been a natural stress reliever for me – a way for me to get out of my head and into my body, focusing on my breath. Much like yoga. I hope my knees will be gracious to me when I’m older.
I remember the moment this song came on my headphones. As soon as I heard it, something sparked inside of me. I remember thinking: This is my one and only life, and I can do anything I want in it. So, what do I really want?
Just four months later, I was listening to another Kygo playlist and recognizing how much my life had completely changed in that short time. I was no longer living in Boston working a corporate job. Instead, I was on the top bunk in a hostel on the Canary Islands, listening to my music before taking a nap in the middle of a weekday. I had just come back from the beach and there was likely sand all over my bed. And as OCD as I am about cleanliness, I didn’t even care!
That was my new life motto: I don’t care. I suddenly was living this lifestyle that was so opposite from what I’d been experiencing less than half a year before. I had gone from structure and routine and responsibilities and obligations and unfulfilling work, to no priorities and no rules and no limits and no questioning of my purpose and not a damn care in the world. I was simply living moment to moment, as traveler’s do, in some sort of wanderlust high, totally blind to the world around me. It was, hands down, magical, and life changing, and a supremely beautiful time of my life.
But then today, I found myself running along a very different body of water, the Tempe Town Lake in Arizona, where I moved after my traveling came to an end. Two years later, this same song pops up on my Spotify playlist, and I had all the similar feelings washing over me yet again. This is my one and only life. I can do anything I want. So, what do I really want?
As I ran tonight, I could feel every cell in my body energizing with this crazy electric power. I could feel myself stretching, growing into this new person I’m becoming. Because now, I can see the difference. Now I can see that I’ve changed from the person who feels stuck and needs to escape, to the person who feels stuck and changes the way she lives her life. I went from the person who felt like I was wasting time, so I went and wasted more time on an island in the middle of the ocean, to the person who knew I was not living my true potential, so decided to fully step into my true potential.
Last week, I gave my notice at my 9-to-5 job here in Arizona. I’ve been feeling unsure about that role for a while now. It’s actually kind of creepy how similar the timing was between those feelings that surfaced for me while working / living in Boston, and the feelings that came up while here. I would spend hours every week running around that damn reservoir. And now, more recently, I’ve spent hours every week running up and down the side of this damn town lake I live next to. It’s all the same, really. It’s just me trying to figure me out.
So, what’s the cool thing about all of this? The reason why this song made me feel so inspired and expansive today, instead of trapped in repeating patterns/cycles of anxiety and self-doubt?
Because, for maybe the first time ever, I have decided to step into my true self.
I have decided to work towards my personal dreams and goals. Towards the things that make me feel like this is all worth it.
So as goofy or cliché as it might sound, you aren’t getting any younger. And this song just hits that truth in me so hard. It really just nails it right on its head.
You’ve got one life, bub.
You’ve got one day, one breath, one moment.
So, how are you going to live in that?
How are you going to show up?
What are you going to create for yourself?
What legacy are you going to leave behind?
How are you going to help the world?
How are you going to be of service?
What are you holding back?
What is your truth?
Enjoy this beat for what it is. ❤